Stranger in a strange land.

I’ve slowly been getting more and more aware I’m heading for a major depression. Been on the cards for a while and tho I try pushing it off it keeps oozing back under my defences. The cause is probably the same old, same old… disempowerment.

Pretty much it’s a feeling that your life and decision making concerning your ability to make real changes is out of your control. It ain’t nice. I suppose a part of it is feeling like a stranger in my own home but I expect there’s more lurking somewhere underneath.

However I am *not* going to do the thing most experts recommend, i.e. “talk it over with your doctor”. The result of going down *that* road is antidepressants and I had enough of those before they realised I had sleep apnoea and high level Asperger’s Syndrome! Question is then what to do about it.

Exercise is good… so is thinking positive, tho to be honest I can’t see much to be positive about currently.

Exercise can deal with. I decided to enter the Hills Biggest Loser competition again… mostly to give me some ‘focus’… but I’ve no real confidence in my ability to ‘triumph’ again. In fact right now I think it would be true to say I have little confidence in anything any more. My life is not my own.

One other thing I thought would be useful would be to get my heart checked. There are a few clinics around that do it for free (effectively) and it might be a good idea to get some idea of what problems if any lie a couple of inches under my ribs. While I managed quite well through the competition last time getting my heart rate up above 155 bpm without problem, I’ve been under severe stress recently and things don’t seem to be going to change anytime soon. Not sure which risk is greater from the stress, heart attack, or stroke, but whichever arrives… I hope it’s quick and painless! I’m not too thrilled by the prospect of prolonged suffering! šŸ™‚

There are other alternatives of course… none particularly palatable… but things aren’t quite that bad. Yet.

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